Children's jealousy in the family. Why is a child jealous and how to deal with different types of childhood jealousy? Why are older children jealous of younger ones?

20.04.2024

The older child is jealous of the younger one: what is the reason, how to prevent childhood jealousy, what to do? Consultation with a child psychologist.

The older child is jealous of the younger one: what to do?

Today I am pleased to present to you a new article from a series about child psychology, prepared especially for readers of “Native Path” by one of the authors of our project, Natalya Mikhailovna Barinova. A little about the author - Natalya Barinova:

one of the authors of our project Creative Internet Workshop of educational games “Through the game - to success!”,
practicing child psychologist,
Head of the psychological department of the Center for Natural Development and Child Health,
laureate of the Moscow Grant award in the field of education,
winner of the competition “Teacher-Psychologist of Russia - 2009”,
editor of the magazine "Children's Question" detskiyvopros.ru,
teacher of child psychology at the university.

Today Natalya will answer questions from readers of “Native Path” about childhood jealousy, its causes, prevention and ways to get out of the situation.

I give the floor to Natalya :).

The older child is jealous of the younger one: what is the reason?

When this problem, the problem of childhood jealousy towards a baby, is voiced at my appointment, I start a conversation with the child, and only then talk with the parents, because they already begin to understand their main mistake.

Case from practice. Artem, 5 years old, aggression towards his sister Masha, 9 months. Psychological conversation with a child:

Psychologist: Artemka, what will you be like when you grow up?

Artem: I’ll be big, strong, with biceps like these (shows).

Psychologist: What will you do?

Artem: I will work like dad, earning money. I’ll probably also be a manager, and maybe a policeman. Yes, I'll be a policeman.

Psychologist: It’s also good for the police to protect the good from the evil. Great. You will work like dad, earn money, but why do dads earn money?

Artem: What about without money? Mom needs to go to the store, buy bread there, sausages, and toys for the children too.

Psychologist: Your dad and mom are good. And when you grow up, what kind of wife will you have?

Artem: Also good. Beautiful, she won't fight. In our garden, Tanya is beautiful, but she fights.

Psychologist: Why do people get married?

Artem is silent at first, then laughs.

Psychologist: Well, what do you think? So people fell in love with each other, they want to be together all their lives, help each other, rejoice. They will get married beautifully...

Artem: We have mom and dad’s wedding hanging on the wall at our house. Very beautiful. Like in the movies. And my godfather had a wedding, I was there too. I had a suit and a flower here.

Psychologist: And then what?

Artem: Then their baby was born.

Psychologist: That's right, Artem, how smart you are! I guessed it! People get married so they can have children. Do you know families with many children?

Artem: Yes, Tanya has two brothers. Mom, who else has many children?

Mom: Aunt Katya and Uncle Oleg have four children.

Artem: Yes, they have Lesha, Vasilisa, Andrey and Lelya. We built a hut with them at the dacha. Only Lelya, of course, didn’t build it; she’s still small, in a stroller.

Psychologist: It’s fun when children have someone to play with! Having a lot of children is good! This is a happy family. How many children are there in your family?

Artem: Me and Masha. Two.

Psychologist: There are STILL two in your family. People get married so they can have children. How many children will you have when you grow up?

Artem: I will have many children!

So, the main mistake of Artem’s parents - they did not let the child understand that having children is a normal process for a family. On the contrary, they gave him the feeling that he was deciding whether to have children or not. So, the parents asked their son if he wanted a baby, whether he wanted a boy or a girl, and so on. You can’t do this, you may hear something like “better than a hamster”!

How to prevent the occurrence of childhood jealousy of an older child towards a younger one?

Stage 1. What should you do during your second pregnancy?

So, we begin to prepare the older one during pregnancy with the younger one:

First. We need to show the child that everything is normal. Children are born into the family. Show families on the street with two, three or more children. Go to visit, remember relatives with children. Try to find for your child an example of the older child’s kind attitude towards the younger one and UNOBSTRUCTIVELY say something like this: “Katya plays with her brother, just as the baby loves Katya.”

Second. When expecting a baby, do not hide this from your child. Break the news calmly and joyfully.

Third. Don't ask questions:“Do you want it or not?”, “Who do you want - a brother or a sister,” etc. Ask your family not to ask such questions. If someone asked such a question in front of you, do not let your child answer it, answer quickly yourself: “Children are always born in families.” Whatever one may say, the best answer is “As God willing!”

Fourth. Don't promise your child a playmate.

Fifth. If the older child sleeps in the parent's bed or room, and you are planning to move him away, do it as soon as you find out about the pregnancy. However, DO NOT say that these two events are connected.

Sixth. If your child did not go to kindergarten, think carefully about whether it is worth starting? Weigh all the pros (systematic education, peers - the ability to communicate, your free time, etc.) and cons (vaccinations; childhood infections that the elder will bring to the newborn; again, peers - the bad sticks faster than the good; you - get up early, establish duty: who picks up, who drops off, etc.). If you are planning to send your child to kindergarten, do it in advance.

Seventh. Make friends between dad and elder. They need to learn to spend time together in advance (walking, playing, falling asleep). Do it right:

CORRECT - “Today dad really wants to put you to bed, he also wants to put his child to bed, it’s so nice!”

WRONG! - “Dad will put you to bed today, otherwise it’s hard for mom” -

Eighth. While waiting for the second one, tell your older child how you were waiting for HIM. It’s clearer and more interesting about him! How dad stroked mom’s belly, how they bought diapers, toys, how they watched it “on TV (ultrasound).” How he was born and everyone was happy and how you fed him, how you carried him in your arms. Show him often photos of him as a small child, videos.

Ninth. Avoid extremes in communication with elders. Don’t try to “play enough in advance, otherwise you won’t have time later” and don’t step away “let him get used to it.”

And most importantly! Get rid of false feelings of guilt, that “the elder will now be deprived.” It's a lie!

The eldest will still remain your firstborn, a child whom you will always love a little LONGER than your next children. Think about how important it is for adult children to have help and support from loved ones, their brothers and sisters.

Stage 2. The youngest child is born: what needs to be done to prevent childhood jealousy?

Finally the baby was born!

Necessary:

First. While you are in the maternity hospital, your family should devote a lot of time to the older child, to make it easier for him to cope with separation from you. Let nothing change in his regime.

Second.There is no need to visit the child’s mother in the maternity hospital. Hospitals scare children. It’s better to call him every day and tell him that you love him and will come soon.

Third.When meeting your elder for the first time, have your hands free in order to hug the elder!!!

Fourth. Buy a gift for your elder FROM YOUR BABY! A doll, or a bear, or LEGO, or a car should NOT be small, but noticeable, so that it will be visible to your eyes all the time.

Fifth. Ask guests to give gifts to both children(just in case for guests who got confused and only brought a gift for the baby, have a strategic supply of hidden souvenirs)

Sixth. Do not leave your child alone with the baby for even a minute in the first months. Remember - children are little explorers, and this is dangerous! Even if you go to the toilet or bath, take one of them with you if no one is home.

Seventh. If you didn’t notice and caught the elder trying to interact with the baby in a dangerous way(trying to pick him up, dragging him, trying to give him something to drink, feed, etc. - an infinite number of options, children are very inventive!), you must NOT SCREAM, DO NOT SCORING, but stop quietly: “do you want to play with the little one? (take care of the baby), well done! Always call me, I want to see how great you are.” And help the baby DO something! For example, hold it in your arms while sitting on the sofa, shake it with a rattle (preferably a soft one!) and so on. Now it depends on you what kind of interaction will be established - competitive or friendly, warm, caring.

Eighth. Don't tell your older child that he is big now. He is also small and now he wants to be small sometimes even more than before. Play baby with him. Wrap them in a blanket, rock them, and then say that the game is over and it’s time to “drink tea with bagels, oh, what a pity that kids can’t have bagels!” So, you tactfully show him that, after all, being a baby is not very cool. Play the game with him: “I’m big because I CAN! (walk, run, eat ice cream, draw, sculpt, etc. let him come up with ideas!)”

Ninth. Give your elder more tactile contact– take it on your knees, hug a lot!

Tenth. Find “exclusive” time in your daily routine for your senior, It’s better to do about the same thing every day, when you play, chat and tinker with him alone. Frequency is more important here than the amount of time. At least 15 minutes, but every day at the same time.

If a child is jealous, This is fine. He's a living person! But it’s bad if a child cannot restrain his aggression towards the baby. What to do?

What to do if the older child shows aggression and jealousy towards the younger one?

Never compare children! Help your baby survive this detronization (from the word “throne” - after all, he was on the throne before).
Respect the first child. Instead of “Give in to the younger one, give him the toy,” you should say: “If you want, you can give in,” “Or maybe we’ll give it back?” Always rejoice at all manifestations of care and kindness from an older child to a younger one.
And when the youngest grows up, protect the elder from the child at the age of the destroyer. Don’t let the little one destroy the elder’s buildings, spoil his drawings, etc.
If children are quarreling, don’t pass by, drop everything and help resolve the conflict. A couple of years of active work - and children will learn to regulate relationships themselves.
If the first child is clearly jealous and says amazing things (“let’s take him to the trash heap”, “how tired of him”, “he yells all the time, you leave him and pick me up”, etc.). Don't be scared! Use active listening techniques. For example: “You are angry, so angry that it seems that you want to throw it away, it seems to you that your mother does not notice you, does not love you, THIS IS NOT SO! Now I’ll put the baby to bed, and you’ll be next to me, I’m so pleased, you’re my assistant, and then I’ll read to you, play with you, mom loves you! Mom will always love you!”
As always, the most wonderful assistant for us will be fairy tale:

The Tale of the Little Bear

In one fairy-tale forest there lived a family of bears: Papa Bear, Mama Bear and little Bear. They lived together. They went for delicious berries, made friends with forest bees, and they shared forest honey with them, sunbathed in the sun, swam in the river - in a word, they did everything together.
And then one day Mama Bear told everyone the good news - soon there would be a new addition to the bear family. Indeed, Little Bear noticed how his mother’s belly was growing day by day. He was very curious, who would be born?
Finally, the happy day has come. Everyone congratulated Mom, and Dad, and him. True, the little bear's little sister turned out to be completely different from what he had imagined. But the most unpleasant thing was that she constantly demanded attention. Especially Moms.
Life has changed for the bear family. Now everyone rarely went out together to buy berries and honey. When they left, Mom and Dad left Little Bear to look after his sister. It cannot be said that he particularly disliked it or found it difficult. It was just very, very disappointing when, when they came home, the first thing parents did was run to their little sister, worry about her, and ask: “How is she?” When the whole family was gathered, they played with the baby, not with him.
“What, they don’t need me anymore?” - Little Bear asked himself. And he felt so sad that he even wanted to leave home.
And one day it happened. The little bear walked along the forest path and thought about how unfair Dad and Mom were to him. These thoughts brought tears to his eyes, and Little Bear felt so sorry for himself.
Little Bear walked and walked and came to the hare's house. There was also an addition to their family. The little bear watched as the older brothers happily taught the little bunnies to chew carrots. “What can you get from them, hares!” — the Bear cub thought and moved on.
Soon the path led him to a family of foxes. The eldest fox lovingly rocked his little sister. Strange, it seems that he did not experience the same feelings as Little Bear. “How can he understand me,” thought the Bear. “What can we take from them, foxes!” And our hero, waving his hand, walked away.
Nearby stood the house of a family of wolves. And Little Bear saw how the older wolf cub happily tumbled with the younger one, teaching him to hunt. “He’s pretending that he likes to play with his little brother!” - thought Little Bear and moved on.
It got dark and it began to rain. The little bear was hungry, felt lonely and tired, and really wanted to go home. But he could not return.
How do you think why?
Little Bear's feet led him to an old oak tree, in the branches of which was the house of the Wise Owl.
“Wow,” the Owl was surprised, “what are you doing here at this late hour?” Teddy bear?
- Nothing, I’m just walking and that’s it! I am independent.
“That’s right,” agreed the Owl, “I heard from Magpie that Mom and Dad are looking for you throughout the forest.”
- Yes, they are just taking a walk with their little sister before going to bed! - answered the Bear.
- Uh-uh, apparently you’re offended by your parents? - guessed the Owl.
“No, it’s just...” The little bear didn’t know what to say.
“It’s simple, but not easy...” the Owl said thoughtfully and, after a pause, added: “It looks like I’ll have to tell you a secret... however, I promised Papa Bear not to tell anyone...”
-What is this secret?
“The thing is, shortly after you were born, Papa Bear came to see me. He was very upset that his bear wife no longer loved him. “Now she has a son, and she doesn’t need me at all,” he said...
- Can't be! - exclaimed the Little Bear. - Dad couldn't talk like that!
- Why do you think so?
“But he couldn’t feel the same as me!” - Do you feel the same?! The little bear lowered his head. The Wise Owl flew to the ground and hugged him by the shoulders. After being silent for a while. Owl said:
- You know, when small children are born, they require a lot of attention, and the life of the family ceases to be the same. A little creature needs to be given a lot of love, patience and kindness before it grows up. Therefore, all the attention of family members is given to the baby. And some, having forgotten or not knowing about it, may feel offended, unwanted and unloved...
- So, that means I left my parents at a time when they especially needed me?! I feel so ashamed.
“Everyone can experience the feelings that guided you.” Sometimes it's hard to see love when you're not getting enough attention. Go home quickly, they are waiting for you there and love you very much...
The bear cub ran along the path leading to the house. And the Wise Owl looked after him for a long time.

Remember, many children are good! By the way, very often the best cure for jealousy is the birth of a third child! Joy to you and your children! The author of the article is Natalya Barinova, mother of two adult children, child psychologist.

I understand that you, dear readers of “Native Path,” may have very personal questions for the author, therefore, in agreement with Natalya, I give her contact information at the end of the article.

Contacts:

The telephone number of the center where parents and children are received is 8-495-229-44-10

Mail [email protected]

skype natali020570

TV show “How to help a child overcome jealousy towards younger brothers and sisters” with the participation of the author of this article, Natalia Barinova, you can watch right now!

And in conclusion, I would like to invite you on a journey to another a fairy tale - an assistant in solving the problem of childhood jealousy. It was written by my mother, one of the participants in our project, Victoria Burdovitsyna, when a second baby appeared in their family. Victoria took part in the competition of her mother’s fairy tales with this fairy tale at the April Internet Workshop of educational games “Through play - to success!” Here is this wonderful interesting tale about Peter and his sister Lily -. so loved by all of us :).

What questions concern you? What do you need help from a child psychologist and teacher? Suggest new topics for articles about child development and child psychology in the comments to the article. We will always be happy to answer and prepare new materials that are necessary and interesting for everyone :).

You can read the continuation of the article here:

I wish you all an interesting weekend with your family!

We are discussing this article in our VKontakte group: from the experience of readers of “Native Path”

Olga: “Point 4 seems very doubtful. I read from many psychologists that a gift from a younger person to an older one is completely wrong.”

Anna: “Olga, that’s what we did. Two years ago, when I was preparing for the birth of my second son, I was just reading this article. And we bought a toy motorcycle for our eldest from our younger brother in advance. The eldest was 2.5 years old. And you know, when we arrived home and gave the eldest a gift from his brother, he was incredibly happy. I think it even relieved some of the emotional tension he had. And he still remembers that his brother gave him this motorcycle. Although he says now that it was a gift from us, he didn’t think so then :).

Olga: “Thank you for telling me! A very interesting experience!”

Anna: “At that time I was very worried that I would be very jealous, and I took Natalia Barinova’s recommendations from this article as a basis :). And we had toys for relatives and friends in reserve, just in case they brought them to the baby. And when he was discharged, he immediately handed the baby to his dad so that he could hug the older one :).”

My dad was the seventh child in the family. I am the first and only. Recently, a second child appeared in my family, and the issue of jealousy of the older child towards the younger one was new and quite difficult for me, since I did not have my own positive experience. My husband was the second child, but, in his own words, he began to communicate normally with his older brother after they both graduated from college, and in childhood my husband turned out to be a “favorite,” which naturally led to resentment and conflicts.

Sometimes I think with regret that previously in large families it was not expected that jealousy could arise between children. Why with regret? Because this is the problem that has been worrying me a lot for several months. How to distribute your attention and time so that no child is left behind?

But before, parents spent much more time on household chores than now: there was no central heating, no washing machines, they had to manage the garden, housekeeping, and keep the house in order. Alas, large families have become a rarity, but the issue of jealousy of the eldest child when the second one appears has slowly turned into a global problem.

Manifestation of child's jealousy

Modern parents expecting a second child (for some reason it seems to me that this issue will not be so global when the third appears, etc.) should prepare themselves in advance to the fact that a child’s jealousy is a normal phenomenon, but the absence of jealousy should talk about the presence of some problems in the family.

First of all, of course, this will be important in those families where the eldest child is still less than 5-6 years old, because at this age children are still strongly attached to their parents and depend on them, and after that they already have their own friends, new interests, school - and the children will more easily cope with the arrival of the youngest in the family.

How can jealousy of an older child manifest itself? Differently. Someone asks to take the baby back to the maternity hospital, someone deliberately makes noise and knocks when he sleeps, someone takes exaggerated care of his brother or sister - and at night wakes up in tears... Some children try to “return” to infancy: they ask carry them in your arms, put diapers on them, feed them from a bottle.

In difficult cases, the older baby may begin to have difficulty sleeping at night, pee in the crib, and even get sick... Most children begin to cry more and be capricious, attracting the attention of their parents.

In our case, jealousy manifested itself as “tears on wheels” and problems with sleep. The older child slept worse than the younger one; for the first couple of months he woke up almost every night, cried, and then could not sleep for a long time. Very often at night we had long hysterics in the bathroom, when the son could not wake up (that is, come to a conscious state and begin adequate communication) and cried and cried... At the same time, he treated the baby himself with caution, I wasn’t eager to touch, but there were no intentions to offend either. In general, behavior has become more conflicting and with a claim to manipulation by parents - but our age is also the same, three years: the child breaks away from his parents and shows independence. So the notorious crisis of three years was superimposed on the appearance of the second baby. In addition, according to psychologists, the “boy and another boy” option is the most difficult, because the desire to “play with a living doll” awakens much less often in boys. Moreover, the younger boy is like a rival, who will later be interested in the same cars and railways...

What to do if your older child is jealous?

That is, not if he is jealous, but when he is jealous, because he will be jealous in any case, no matter how old he is.

For me, perhaps the most difficult thing was to get rid of my own feelings of guilt towards my older child. Children sense mom and dad’s moods very well, and if mom feels guilty, then there are probably reasons for this. In general, at first I constantly told myself that several children in a family is an absolutely normal phenomenon, and not a reason to worry, most families went through this and coped with it, so we can cope, and everything is absolutely normal with us and with jealousy between We can cope with children too.

use different affectionate names for children (one is a kitten, the other is a little chick: the main thing is not to confuse them);
hide baby toys some time before the birth so that the older child does not recognize them and begins to get angry;
do not evict the older child from the parent’s bed and do not wean him at the same time as going to the maternity hospital, it is better to do this earlier or later;
find time for both children, do not forget to hug and kiss the older one.

It is clear that these are general recommendations. In each family, the “fight against a child’s jealousy” can take place differently: in some cases, the older child himself refuses to suckle the breast, seeing how the baby does it (after all, milk is for babies, and I’m big!), the older child and I chose together childbirth, what kind of toys Lala will be able to play with (the eldest son is also never forbidden to play with them, you can’t just take them away from the baby, but change them or just take them and play - please!).

In addition, you can ask the older child to help care for the younger one (bring a diaper, shake a rattle, etc.) - and, of course, praise him for being such a mother’s helper. And don’t forget to tell dad about it in the evening!

In general, I think that we have more or less dealt with the problem of jealousy at the moment. Waking up and crying at night stopped, and the number of rows and tears during the day decreased significantly.

Until there was balance - at least until the little brother started playing with the older brother's toys. To be continued, as they say...

Comment on the article "Jealousy of an older child"

How jealous a child is

Every child psychologist talks about three types of jealous behavior. Because babies express themselves differently when communicating with adults when they are sure that the newborn takes up more of their time than he does.

To give advice on solving the problem, it is necessary to determine the type of jealous behavior in the child. Types of jealousy include:

Passive when the baby withdraws into himself, talks less, laughs less, and is often in a depressed, sad state.
Behavioral, when the firstborn attracts attention to himself, he commits actions uncharacteristic of his age. Constantly pulls his mother back when she is with the youngest.

Another manifestation of the fact that the baby has begun to be jealous is that he puts on a diaper, demands food in a bottle, wants to appear like a baby so that his mother will take care of him like a little one.

Aggressive when the baby begins to be jealous and at the same time behaves aggressively towards the younger one. In this case, the newborn may suffer physical injuries, so parents should immediately contact a professional; the psychologist will give important advice on how to quickly restore harmony in the baby’s soul.

The older you get, the easier it gets.

According to child psychologist Janusz Korczak and others: the older the child, the less concerned he is about the younger one, or more precisely about his behavior and the fact that his parents share their love.

The older the firstborn is, the more independent activities he has: sections, clubs, games. A teenager, as a rule, has more friends and can spend time outside doing activities that interest him. Therefore, there is no need for an adult child to be jealous of his parents when a younger brother or sister is born, because in childhood he already received all the mother’s love in full.

The most important advice is that for the peace of mind of the baby, after the youngest baby is born, parents need to properly distribute attention between children and create a trusting atmosphere within the family. Psychologists advise teaching your child to help and understand others by example.

If the younger one nevertheless became the reason that the first-born began to be jealous, reconsider your behavior. Involve your baby in caring for the baby, let him provide diapers, diapers, and look after the baby while he sleeps.

You can trust rocking your baby in a crib, stroller, and playing while awake.

Show the “grown man” his first photos, tell him that he was also small, and he was given a lot of time, which is now required by the smallest baby.

In a safe environment, on a sofa or bed, let your baby hold it, let it feel awe and a certain responsibility.

Every child psychologist will first of all give the following advice: do not scold the baby for awkward movements towards the baby, praise any positive manifestations and help in caring for his younger brother or sister.

In addition to directly working on harmony in the family, after the birth of the second baby, it is necessary to prepare the first-born to meet a new, small family member:

A child who is not properly prepared to meet his brother or sister will be jealous of the second child. Along with this, every child psychologist advises parents to be an example in nurturing such qualities as mutual understanding and mutual assistance. Be attentive to your baby, and then he will become your most important assistant in caring for your newborn.

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Parents who are expecting the birth of a baby often worry about how the eldest child in the family will accept him. Therefore, they pay attention to the issue of preparing for the birth of their youngest. And they have hopes for the wonderful relationships that their children will have in the future. Happy smiles, mother's joy, beautiful photo shoots, family idyll. What happens in life? Reality and important advice from psychologist and mother of two children Elena Sadovnichenko.

More often than we would like, parents are faced with unpleasant behavior from their elders towards their newborn baby. We have to admit that sometimes things don't go as expected. Instead of an idyll, a rather tense situation develops. Periodically occurring incidents of jealousy between an older person and a younger one are a new life that parents have to endure and somehow cope with.

And even if in an incident with jealousy they can smooth out the peak of the conflict, it is not always clear to them what to do next?

How long will this last?

What words can you find for your older child to make him relax and not be jealous?

To do this, you need to understand what happens to all participants in the conflict of jealousy.

What happens to the older child?

No matter how much parents wish for their older child to have immeasurable and unconditional love for their baby, sometimes they have to deal with disturbing, frightening manifestations of jealousy. As a rule, this is “strange” behavior that is difficult to explain or covert (open) aggression.

In an older child you can observe:

Playing “little doll” or behaving like a small child.
Following on mom's heels and catching her everywhere.
Refusal to obey the mother when she has a baby in her arms.
Refusal to help parents in activities in which the child had previously willingly participated.
Tears, tears, tears...
Reasoning and suggestions on how to get rid of a new child.
Increased aggression towards all family members, in kindergarten, on the street.
Tics, enuresis, allergies, biting lips, nails, picking hangnails, finger sucking.

The reason for this whole set is the child’s difficult to bear stress from being separated from his mother (parents) because of the new baby. Mom sees that something is going on with the older child, but sometimes she is unable to help him with anything other than hug him and be alone with him for a while.

What's happening to mom?

She is attuned to the needs of the most defenseless and small person. And the new baby, without knowing it, stands between the mother and the older child.

The mother notices how different the older child is from the baby. And she sometimes involuntarily, unconsciously, sometimes out of fatigue, gives herself permission to swear at her elder. Expect understanding and participation from him as from an adult.

Demands on the older child may suddenly increase, and it will be assumed that he might realize that it is difficult for his mother. It would be good for him to obey the first time, to remain silent when the baby is sleeping, and not to ask questions when the mother is feeding and rocking the youngest child. The tension is growing, the elder does not want to participate, or help, or understand, and the mother often loses her temper and takes it out on him.

In addition, the mother can observe:

Less involvement in the life of the older child.
Less quantity and quality of attention for him.
More expectations and complaints against him.
Disappointment in ways to achieve a calm environment in the family
Increased anxiety regarding jealous behavior in the elder.
The desire to separate the baby from the older child.

The reason for this whole set is overstrain from the new reality, to which the mother has yet to adapt. The older child feels his mother’s changed attitude towards him and may take this as a lesser importance for his mother. In most cases, older children are jealous of the mother and the baby.

Typical Older Child Jealous Behavior

A child's jealous behavior can be seen not only by the fact that he behaves badly or inappropriately. There are certain signs by which you can determine that the older child lacks closeness with his mother.

Jealousy is a feeling given by the brain to a child so that he changes his behavior so that his mother notices him. When jealousy hits, all the brain's powers are devoted to catching the mother's attention. Receive any encouragement or reprimand, create a situation in which the mother will be forced to distract herself from the baby and contact the older child. This behavior is called “desiring and striving for closeness with mom at any cost.” It occurs when a child faces the danger that they may stop loving him, or love him less when another child appears.

And this is what an older child can do in an effort to get closer to his mother.

Hide “I’ll leave you altogether! Stay with this child!” He slams the doors to the room, sulks over trifles, does not resolve conflicts, but sits in the room behind closed doors and sends everyone away. Forces the mother to explain herself, apologize, beg the child not to be offended, etc.

Look for contact “Mom, stay with me!”, “Mom, have you done everything yet? Mom, are you finished yet? Mom, are you free already?” Sticks, pesters, waits, controls. Mom gives of herself as much as she can. And when she begins to be torn from the inability to do everything, the child receives the necessary attention in the screams, breakdowns, and curses of the mother at him. So what if attention has a minus sign, but attention!

Grow up sharply “See how big I am already!” He catches approved actions and begins to do things that are not typical for him due to his age. For example, washing dishes after yourself, cleaning the apartment. He does it not to learn, but so that his mother will praise him.

Suddenly become small. The child begins to lisp like a little one, obsessively, for a long time, annoyingly. So that mom would pay attention and take him in her arms, chat, and lisp with him in response. Or he stops doing what he already knew how to do before the baby was born. For example, he demands to be fed from a spoon, but he himself does not eat from any.

Humiliate yourself “I’m nobody now. Nobody loves me anymore. Why am I needed like that? “Usually appears when a child has done something and was scolded. It can take a severe form, when neither words nor explanations can prove to the child that he is valuable and is loved no less.

Exaggerate yourself. “I am the eldest. Yes, if I just want to. Yes, I can do anything. Just look who I am.” The child puts on a mask of grandeur to get the desired approval from his parents. Prove to himself and everyone that he is not an empty place.

Mirror. The child begins to copy those whom mom and dad approve of. Heroes, animals, other children. This is how he hides from jealousy and pain. By copying others, he seems to get closer to the ideal, which mom and dad definitely accept and sympathize with him (he heard this and knows for sure).

Search location. When a child looks into his eyes and says, “Mommy, what else can I do for you? Do you want this? Do you want that? How about I bring you this?” And mom agrees. This is how the child asks for approval and praise.

All these reactions of the child activate parents to pay at least some attention to him. This behavior is built into a person to encourage others to respond to it. Because it’s impossible NOT to react. The child’s brain has a simple logic: To be loved, I need to do one of these actions (described above) and then they will notice me and begin to love me.

Such reactions can become fixed in the child’s character if he has used them for too long to get the attention of his mother (parents). What should parents do to prevent their older child from resorting to this behavior?

Gentle solutions to the problem of jealousy in an older child

Remember that the eldest child became the eldest only in the family hierarchy. This did not automatically make him responsible or caring. This needs to be taught to him, taking into account his age and maturity.

Minimal changes in the life of an older child. This means that you need to leave everything as it was in rituals and communication with the elder. The same plans, the same Sunday lunches, the same hikes with dad, etc. Life for him should not be sharply divided between “before the baby” and “after the baby.”

Start up talking about the temporary nature of mom being busy. About the temporary nature of what is too noisy. About the temporary nature of the fact that the baby is given more attention and admiration.

Match children to each other. “Look at the baby’s eyes - like yours!”, “I really want our baby to be as cool as you,” “I’m sure the baby would like to tell you that he is lucky to be born into a family with such a brother “how are you”, etc.

Giving hold, smell, hug, change, bathe, give him some water, teach him something.

Don't insist that the baby is everything obliged to love. Love does not tolerate the imperative mood. The older child decides for himself.

Set aside every day time exclusively for the elders child. The easiest thing is to read at night.

Outpace the older child in desire contact mom. When you see that you have 1 minute of time, go cuddle your elder when he does not expect it from you. Not every time, not all the time. But sometimes!

Arrange unexpectedly for seniors walks with entertainment, so that he doesn’t know what’s going to happen, what’s going to happen now. This may be burdensome for you. But remember to talk about the temporary nature of what is happening. This will not need to be done all the time.

Stay alone with an older child. Speak, be silent, laugh, be foolish.

Mom is busy- connect dad, grandmother and those who have access. But do not entrust all the care of your older child to someone else for a long time. This is not an option.

Play games playing out a child's emotions. Chases, persecutions, hide and seek, lost children, animals, ambushes, monsters attack. And in each of them the end is the same - contact with the mother, who caught up, found, saved.

Please don't give in to temptation compare children. Acknowledge the existence of negative feelings and behaviors as well as positive ones.

Therapeutic tales on the topic of jealousy are good.

Don't Say You Love Your Children Equally! Everyone wants to be loved in a special way, not like others. “You are the only son in the whole world, Sasha. You are the only daughter Masha in the whole world. No one can take your place!"

Do all this with love and respect for the child's dignity. Remember that the older child cannot fully control his jealous behavior. Jealousy happens to him. It is an unplanned feeling and behavior based on it.

It happens that parents who love each other have a second child to give life to a new person, and are ready to accept and love him for who he is. Fathers and mothers expect that the birth of a second child will have a beneficial effect on the first-born. The elder will take care of the younger, sharing things, toys, and treats with him in a brotherly manner, which will serve as a good “cure” for selfishness. The firstborn will be freed from loneliness - the children will be able to play and walk together. But for some reason the older child is not happy at all. Instead, he suddenly begins to demand that the parents “return” his little brother or sister (take him back to the maternity hospital, take him to the store, give him to the stork who brought him, etc.). Why does this happen and how should parents behave in such a situation?

Mom and dad should show patience and tact. The child behaves this way not because he is cruel and greedy, but because he is jealous. This is caused by a sharp change in his position in the family. Your firstborn experiences two strong feelings: fear of the possibility of losing your love and anger - after all, all his attempts to regain his monopoly on the attention of mom and dad are unsuccessful.

A child whose parents want to have several children will certainly lose their status as the only one, and competition cannot be avoided when a second child appears. Does this mean that the elder's dislike for the younger is inevitable? No. But you will have to make some efforts to prevent this.

First of all, moms and dads should be wary of what their children say. Many children ask to “give” them a baby. Such requests reassure parents who decide to have another child. And some mothers and fathers are seriously thinking about whether it is worth fulfilling the dream of their son or daughter. At the same time, adults do not take into account that a four- to five-year-old child does not always understand what he is asking for. Most likely, he saw someone pushing a stroller with a baby around the yard, and now he’s just jealous. He does not realize what other consequences, besides the opportunity to play “little mom” or “little daddy,” will the fulfillment of his request lead to.

Therefore, regardless of what your child tells you about his desire to have a brother or sister, prepare the elder one in advance for the birth of the younger one. A simple message that a younger brother or sister will be born soon is not enough for a child of three or four years old. Try the following tips.

1. Try to connect the upcoming event with specific moments in the child’s life: “What a beautiful tower you built! When you have a sister, will you teach her how to build one like this?”, “Isn’t it fun to sled down a hill? It will be even more interesting for you and your brother!”

2. Emphasize that the elder is your helper, that you rely on him. “Soon, daughter, we will have a small child in our house. The hassle will immediately increase: you will have to wash diapers, run to the dairy kitchen, bathe the child, and walk with him. Dad and I definitely can’t handle it together. It's so good that we have you! Surely you will help?” Well, what child will answer “no” when addressed as an adult?

3. Consult with your firstborn: what to name the future baby, what color diapers to buy, where to put the crib. If your child's opinion does not coincide with yours, but is quite acceptable, consider whether you should give in. Respecting mom and dad for the child’s point of view will allow him to feel involved in the events taking place, and not relegated to the background by them.

4. After the birth of your baby, try to awaken the older one's interest in the new family member. “Look how tiny his arms and legs are!”, “Isn’t he funny when he sleeps?”, “Have you seen with what appetite he eats?” Don’t be upset if you don’t notice any special affection for your baby from your first child. After all, a newborn is a stranger to him. Let the firstborn perceive the younger one as a “living doll.” Curiosity is no longer indifference. And the charm of a little one will definitely awaken tenderness in the heart of an older one.

5. Remember when you promised your older child that he would help you take care of the newborn? Now is the time to fulfill the promise. Let the elder make his contribution to the care of the baby. Be sure to emphasize how important the help of your firstborn is to you. You bathe the newborn, and the eldest daughter sings a song so that he does not cry: “Thank you, daughter.” On a walk with your son, you are pushing a stroller with a baby: “It would be hard for me alone. Thank you, son."

6. Encourage any manifestation of attention and care from the elder towards the baby. Even if it's extra hassle for you. Of course, it’s easier and faster to rock the baby yourself than to entrust it to your daughter. Diapers washed by inept children's hands will most likely have to be rewashed. But the child’s joy and pride will serve as a worthy reward for your patience.

Childish resentment. What should I do?

The mother of two daughters (five and a half years old and one year old) is concerned about the behavior of her eldest. The girl copies the behavior of her younger sister: she pretends that she cannot speak, cries like a baby, asks to be bought rompers and rocked in her arms. Several times I pulled my little sister out of the crib and lay down in it myself. Mom believes that the reason for this behavior is childhood jealousy, and tries not to pay attention to it. “I pretend that I don’t hear or see anything. In my opinion, such actions should not be encouraged, she is already a big girl!” - Mom explained to us.

The eldest child in the family, regardless of his age, often hears from us “You are already an adult.” Typically, we say this when we reproach him for misconduct and bad behavior or try to force him to do something that he does not want. Oddly enough, we ourselves sincerely believe that our first-born is already “big”. We don’t think about the fact that just recently, before the birth of our second child, the first one was “small” for us. For this reason, we forgave him those pranks and whims for which we are now punishing him. Why? Maybe with the arrival of the second child in the house, the eldest has changed? No. He is still the same age. But we, parents, began to treat our firstborn differently. And the child quite rightly takes offense at us for this. Try to get around the rough edges using a number of recommendations.

1. It is not easy for your son or daughter to get used to the fact that they are already big. Don't be too categorical. Let your child be a “baby” sometimes. Cries like a newborn - take him in your arms and rock him to sleep. Climbed into the little one’s crib - pretend that you didn’t notice the “substitution”. If he can’t sleep, sing a lullaby. For a child, this is proof of your love. There will be no need to copy the behavior of a small child if the first-born is sure that he is loved no less than the second child.

2. Remember that "senior" does not mean "adult". Try to ensure that your requirements correspond not only to the child’s new status in the family, but also to his real age and capabilities. You can trust your first-born to make sure the little one doesn’t fall off the changing table while you run to the kitchen and remove the boiling milk from the stove. He is serious and responsible enough for this. But you shouldn’t ask your child to babysit his younger brother or sister for half a day. This is an impossible task for a person of four or five years old, even if he is now an “adult”.

3. Being an adult means having not only additional responsibilities, but also additional rights. We demand that the older child behave well, help mom and dad, be neat, responsible, etc. After all, he is already big. But he has no right to watch TV until late, decide whether he should eat or remain hungry, and in general he has no right to object to his parents - he is still small. Any child will rebel against such a system of double standards. Perhaps, while making “adult” demands on a child, it is worth recognizing some “adult” rights for him.

4. Strive to ensure that the concepts of “elder” and “adult” are associated with positive emotions for the child. Avoid saying “you’re already big” when you scold or want to force someone to do something unpleasant. But praise for help and obedience, saying: “Well done! What an adult assistant I have!”, it won’t hurt. Then the child will want to be an adult - it’s so nice!

5. No matter how hard you try, absolute equality between children cannot be achieved. The younger child requires more attention than the older one. And you need a completely different approach to a child: you can’t always punish for an offense, sometimes you have to give in to his demands, etc. But this is not scary. The main thing is that the older son or daughter does not feel deprived of parental love. After all, you can equally divide treats, toys, and clothes between children, but at the same time pay less attention to one of them: with formal equality, the child will still feel lonely.

6. Try to pay more attention to your elder. Of course, it's not easy. With the advent of their second child, mom and dad had more troubles. The baby needs to be fed, bathed, walked with him, and his diapers washed. And this is in addition to the usual household chores: shopping, preparing lunches and dinners, cleaning the apartment, etc. And, God forbid, problems with the little one’s health arise. Tired and irritated parents often have no time to respect the feelings of their older child. That’s why he hears every now and then: “Go away!”, “Don’t bother me!”, “You see, I’m busy without you!”

Mom refuses to read him a story before bed, dad doesn’t allow him to bring friends home. But the eldest is only three or four years old! He doesn’t yet understand that mom is angry because she’s tired, that she can’t make noise because the little one is sleeping. If you push the child away, he will conclude that mom and dad love their little sister or little brother more - they fuss with the baby all day long and don’t yell at him at all. And then resentment towards the parents and hostility towards the “culprit” of his misfortunes may settle in the soul of your first-born.

No matter how busy you are, try to find time for your older child. Let it be 10-15 minutes a day, but completely owned by him. For example: the youngest fell asleep - the mother can read a book to the first-born; Mom went for a walk with the baby - which means dad and son can play a little; the grandmother agreed to babysit her youngest grandson - the parents can take the eldest to the zoo. It's not that hard to find a few minutes a day, but they will relieve the child of the feeling that he is abandoned and not needed.

7. Use caution and tact when praising or making comments. Try not to scold your child in front of his brother or sister. It is better if the misconduct or failure remains between you and the child. Firstly, there is a danger that other children will have a desire to laugh at the offender. And then a quarrel cannot be avoided. Secondly, public punishment is a serious blow to a person’s self-esteem. And even if the brothers and sisters do not gloat, it is difficult to demand that the child be nice to witnesses of his humiliation.

One must not only scold, but also praise wisely. First of all, of course, it shouldn’t happen that you praise one child all the time and the other very rarely. This does not mean that the one who succeeds in everything should be praised less. But you must learn to see what you can praise another for. For example: one easily completed your assignment, but the other, no matter how much he struggled, could not. Of course, the first one deserves your approval. But the second one can also be praised, for example, for diligence. In addition, so that the second one is not so offended, you can praise him “in advance”: “What a great Masha! Kostenka will try and will definitely cope. Is it true?"

8. Many parents ask: “Should I intervene in children’s conflicts?” It is probably impossible to give a definite answer to this question. After all, conflict is different from conflict. Of course, if you see that physical force has already come into play, then you need to intervene. Separate the fighters. Find out what the reason for the quarrel is. But only in general terms, an inquiry should not be held in order to establish the main culprit. Say that you are very upset by the behavior of both children. Please advise how the matter can be resolved peacefully. But if the kids are just arguing, refrain from interfering.

Parents who, at the first sign of a quarrel, begin to find out who is right and who is wrong, encourage sneaking: “Mom, Sasha took my car. Tell him to give it back!” Stay away. Let children learn to resolve conflicts themselves. This “training” with brothers and sisters will be useful for the child in the future when communicating with other people.

Moms and dads should learn not to be afraid of children's quarrels. “Darlings scold - they just amuse themselves.” This saying can be applied not only to lovers, but also to brothers and sisters. How often can one observe the following picture: children who had just quarreled, even fought, play peacefully together again. Children, as a rule, are not vindictive and approach conflicts differently than we adults do. Well, we argued, had a fight, sorted things out - and forgot, we can be friends again.

9. Teach children cooperation. Encourage them to do things together. Be sure to praise if they play or work together. Try to create situations for the senior and junior to work together. Let the baby help his older brother or sister as often as possible. The younger one will be proud of the trust shown, and the older one will be proud of the role of mentor and leader.

If your first-born is sure that mom and dad love him as much as before the arrival of the youngest child, he will calmly endure the fact that the baby is given more time and attention, will willingly share his things with him and will be happy to help his parents care for his sister or brother.

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